Case in point: I live in Virginia Beach and we
generally do not get large amounts of snow during the winter. However, when we
do get snow the city has a hard time and havoc usually ensues. This winter was
an exception; not the havoc part, the measurable snow part. One storm in
particular dropped almost 10” in my neighborhood. It was a beautiful thing, but
the storm knocked the power out and power equals no morning coffee – Havoc! I
own a 2011 Honda Pilot as assumed I would be able to navigate the fresh powder
and acquire the desired morning beverage. You know what they say about assuming…
I didn’t make it 500 feet before I was stuck in rut and the snow had lifted the
Pilot up and I could not get any traction. I was in a rut! I could not turn
left or right; I could not go in reverse either. I was lucky enough to have a
nice guy in a lifted truck tow me back home and I put the Pilot back in the
driveway.
Now this is obviously an example of a physical rut,
but I want to talk to you about relational ruts; especially in married relationships.
I have a desire to help married couples achieve the marriage of their dreams
and those marriages do not come with ruts. Yet, every married couple gets stuck
in a rut, and if you have not been stuck yet, you will. Before I share three
easy tips with you, it is important to be intentional in your relationship. You
might feel your marriage is in a rut, but your spouse may not. Intentionality
brings the subject to light. When intentional focus is at hand corrections can
be made. No two marriages are the same, but these tips will help you move in
the right direction.
1. Look at the Current Routine.
Sometimes in life we get stuck on auto-pilot. Things
are not necessarily bad, but you may feel the calendar is just flying by and life
is stale. This is where intentionality takes place. Get out the pencil and paper
and list the aspects of your relationship. Check off the ones that are fine and
highlight where there needs some improvement. Here are some common areas where
couples can fall into a rut:
- Daily routines
- Shared activities
- Meals
- Date nights
- Sex
- Outings with friends
- Family time
If there is mutual agreement to any part of your life where
you feel like you are in a rut, prioritize those areas. First, start making changes to the areas
highlighted that works best for your relationship. You must be intentional and
start somewhere; even if it is a small step. The hardest part of getting out of
a rut is making a course change. The smallest degree in changing course will
lead to a totally different destination. Breaking out of a rut takes work, but
it’s well worth the effort. Ready to liven things up?
2. Intentionally Break the Routine.
Once you have highlighted the areas in your marriage
that need a little tweaking, it’s time to put a plan into action. Here are a
few ideas for the areas I listed above:
- Daily routines –
Do
you go through the same motions every day? If so, shake it up a bit. Try a
different route to work. Play some different music while you travel. Get
coffee out every now and then, get it at home if you have a Starbucks
addiction.
- Shared activities – I love to play golf and I know my wife will never play golf with me. However, she will happily drive the golf cart. She loves to window shop; me not so much. But, we both like to people watch. Make a list of a few new activities you’d like to try, pick one, and JUST DO IT.
- Meals –
Shake it up in the kitchen. Try at least one new meal at home every week. There
are several home delivery services that deliver exotic meals you both can
enjoy making together. This allows you the stability of an existing
routine, while inserting something new and exciting into the mix.
- Date nights –
This one is simple. If you go on regular date nights, and you should, go somewhere
different. Get away from the same old comfortable restaurant and movie
deal. Intentionally try out new destinations for your date nights.
- Sex –
This one is almost as easy as the date night fix. Be intentional! Life
steps in and outside responsibilities reduce our sex lives to a
predictable pattern. Guys, step it up here and help your wife with the
kids, household chores, whatever she needs. She’s a crockpot that needs to
be plugged in before you go to work. Ladies, set aside some extra time for
him to be alone with you, and remember he’s a visual creature.
- Friends – Do
you go out with other married couples? If so, and things are predictable, shake
it up and suggest something new. Fun activities like bowling, or a game
night at home can be a welcome change to the routine.
- Family – Bored
at home with the kids? Break away from the electronics and social media
and get the kids to share their ideas of fun. When I babysit my
grandchildren they always want to play horsey. Pop is getting too old and
they are getting too big, but you get the point.
The smallest change in the routines of life will help
you get out of the rut you are in. Things will become a little more exciting
and will springboard into the final tip.
3. Spontaneity – Plan It.
Isn’t that some sort of oxy-moron? If you and your mate
do not intentionally plan to be spontaneous more often, spontaneity simply will
not happen. Look at your calendars, make a reminder every week to do something unplanned
that will be fun, romantic, or exciting for you both. Spontaneity is fun, and most
people deeply desire a measure of it; especially in their marriage. Intentionally
planning to be spontaneous may sound strange, but it will pay off and get you
out of the “same ole, same ole.”
We are all busy and getting busier all the time. Things
can get ordinary, common place; and the only way to eliminate that is to decide
you’re not going to let it stay that. Again, be intentional. I cannot stress it
enough. Don’t wait; talk about it, then move.
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