Best Friends

When I think about my marriage, and marriage in general, I firmly believe our spouses must be our best friends in life. After all, this is the person you will do life with. The romantic aspects of a marriage will be built upon a base of friendship. Sadly, many marriages fall into this “auto-pilot,” stagnate status because we quite putting for the effort to be friends. In a recent newsletter from Marriage Today, Pastor Jimmy Evans shares seven tips to consider when trying to foster a solid friendship with your mate. I’ve taken some liberty to add a little here and there to what Evans shared.

1.      Be faithful. Being faithful in marriage is a no brainer. With a lack of faith there can be trust, and without trust a friendship will not thrive. The Bibles says in Proverbs 17:17, “a friend loves at all times, but a brother is born for adversity.” In other words, the strongest friendships are cemented during hard times. Deep friendships are forged during times of adversity in a marriage. That’s when you pay the closest attention and learn to trust. Living in the tension and not wavering develops the faithfulness needed for true friendship.

2.      Believe in each other. Simply speaking, you are supposed to be your spouse’s biggest fan and cheerleader. One of the reasons God created marriage is to help spouses bring each other to their full potential. He made woman to complete the man and each of them have designed functions. For instance, a husband provides a nurturing, protective environment for his wife. Similarly, a wife establishes an atmosphere of praise and respect for her husband. Men and women will flourish in these environments. Two people who believe in each other will both become the best versions of themselves.

3.      Embrace your differences. They say, “opposites attract” and research proves this to be true. In a normal marriage, the husband and wife are not carbon copies of each other. There are differences and these differences are probably opposites in many ways. Will you rejoice in your differences or criticize them? Will you try to change him or her to meet your needs? Instead of forcing your spouse to become more like you, celebrate the ways the two of you are compatible. Identify where one’s strengths match up to another’s weaknesses, then thank God for those differences.

4.      Be real and transparent. As mentioned previously, true friendship is based on faith and trust. With this faith and trust, friendship means being able to be honest and transparent without fear of retribution. Share your heart with your spouse and talk about opinions, hopes and dreams. By doing this you allow your spouse into your world and become an active member. Most importantly, allow your spouse to be real and transparent, too. When your spouse is safe to share their opinions, hopes and dreams with you, you are then able to operate in the role of encourager.

5.      Be a refuge. As described above, transparency is impossible if one spouse feels unsafe opening up to the other. That transparency is fostered in faith and trust, and when these ingredients are present a safe place is developed. That’s why a husband and wife must be each other’s safe place. When anything good or bad happens in their lives, they go to each other first. Crying to mommy or daddy is not an option. This requires listening, openness, and a nonjudgmental spirit.

6.      Be fun and creative. Having fun together in marriage dramatically improves a relationship. When you were perusing your spouse, there was effort and energy exuded in order to win them. In fact, one of the danger signs for divorce is when a husband and wife quit trying and no longer enjoy each other’s company. When was the last time you laughed together? When was the last time you pursued a hobby together? Plan dates and play games. Flirt, tease and romance each other like when you were first dating. Work hard at having fun.

7.      Bear each other’s burdens. In Galatians 6:2 the Bible calls for believers to “bear one another’s burdens.” This is a picture of bolstering someone up under a heavy load. If “a brother is born for adversity,” then friends step up when it’s time to serve one another, and help carry the load. That might mean physically helping or it might mean supporting a spouse emotionally. Get into the habit of checking in with your spouse and ask, “How are you?” or “What do you need?” Never shrink or step back and watch your spouse suffer without stepping in to help. You are friends, and that’s what friends do.

When a marriage struggles, it’s often because a husband and wife have lost focus. They’ve poured their energy into work or into their kids and they’ve forgotten that they are supposed to be best friends. Re-establish your friendship and a more successful marriage will follow.

Ideas to Affair Proof Your Marriage

I believe everyone who enters the covenant of marriage has a sincere desire to be successful. No one walks down the aisle, says, “I Do,” only to think about the first visit to a divorce attorney. However, although divorce statistics seemed to have leveled off at around 50%, divorce and broken homes continue to wreck the fabric of society. Depending on what poll you look at, fidelity is one of the top, if not the number one reason for divorce. People of faith, and the secular population, all could use a little help in bolstering their marriage. One aspect of strengthening your marriage is to be proactive in some habits that will honor your spouse.

Since strengthening marriage is a calling of mine, I follow several experts in the field. One such expert is Dave Willis (http://sixseeds.patheos.com/davewillis/). Dave and his wife, Ashley, have made it their point to help and strengthen marriages around the world. In a recent blog, 9 Rules to Affair Proof Your Marriage, (http://sixseeds.patheos.com/davewillis/9-rules-affair-proof-marriage/) Dave shared some practical ways he has attempted to affair proof his marriage. It is my desire to share these ideas with you and how they apply to my marriage. You may feel some of these ideas to be old-fashioned and out of date, but I can assure you they have value and would prove beneficial if practiced. So, here we go:

1.      Don’t talk negatively about my wife to others or online. When people start venting about their spouse, to friends or online, it’s not just a harmless way to blow off steam and joke about frustrations. It’s a dangerous opening that could pave the way for adultery. When you talk negatively about your spouse, or compare them to others, it chips away at the foundation of respect that must remain strong in every marriage. It also sends the subtle message that you’re not happy in your marriage and you’re “open” to someone who would treat you better. Build your spouse up with your words. The tone of your words about your spouse will shape the tone of your marriage. Words give life.

2.      Never meet with someone of the opposite sex alone. Recently, Vice President, Mike Pence, was ridiculed by the main stream media for holding to this practice. Although, I try not meet up for coffee or lunch with any woman other than my wife unless it’s a group setting, I have not always been successful. There are two things to consider here: Protection and Perspective. This policy protects you from temptation, and honors your spouse. It also eliminates the perspective of infidelity protects your reputation from false accusations. Recently, we hired a young woman to clean our house and although I was on site, I made it a point to create a safe distance.

3.      Copy your spouse on all your text messages. Dave shared how their iPhones are set up with the same Apple ID where he and Ashley both automatically receive each other’s text messages. This keeps them in the loop of what’s happening with each other. Deb and I do not do this, but we have access to each other’s phone and text messages. This practice is designed to foster a desire to have total transparency and open communication in the marriage. Being willing to share all of my texts also sends the clear message to your spouse and everyone else that we have a marriage with no secrets.

4.      Share ALL your passwords. This flows naturally from #3 about sharing text messages. I don’t have a password or a PIN that Debbie doesn’t know and she shares her’s with me. There are no hidden accounts, hidden emails, burner cell phones or anything else that would be off limits to. Deb and I try to maintain a “Secret Free Guarantee” marriage. Studies have shown secrets are as dangerous as lies when addressing trust levels in marriage.

5.      Stay away from pornography and sexually-explicit content. Brain scans have shown the addictive nature of pornography. Pornography is an act of mental infidelity and Willis shares his personal story and some compelling stats on pornography in his popular post on “The Truth about Porn” which you can read by clicking here. I have never had an addiction to pornography, but unfortunately my eyes have seen things they shouldn’t have. The images I have witnessed in the past have scared my memory and my marriage has suffered because of it. Infidelity always starts in the mind and pornography, along with it’s cheap satisfaction, will only lead to marital dissatisfaction.

6.      Be cautious with public displays of affection with others. This might seem cheesy, but it’s also very important. One time while greeting a fellow church member, my wife was kissed by the person right on the lips. I was not the least bit threatened, but made it clear it was unappropriated, and Debbie understood my position. Some people hug members of the opposite sex with full frontal assault that can border on an act of illegal groping (no joke). I am a hugger, but never want physical touch to be misconstrued in any way. So even with close female friends, I try to stick with the side hug.

7.      Don’t engage in ongoing dialogues with the opposite sex on social media. Some people, by nature of their profession, get hundreds of emails and Facebook messages per week. Do your best to respond, but when it seems the person wants to engage in an ongoing dialogue, cut it off out of respect for my wife. Statistics have shown how affairs start by crossing lines on social media. Create a social media set of “rules” and boundaries to protect each other and your marriage.

8.      Make time for your spouse a priority. Affair-proofing your marriage isn’t just about “defense,” but it’s also about being proactive when it comes to investing in your marriage. As a merchant mariner, I am away several weeks at a time and time together is a premium. I am always looking for ways to spend time Deb and invest in our relationship. Don’t let your marriage get stuck on autopilot, or else there’s a good chance it will crash someday! Investing into your relationship with each other is the same as staying in top physical shape. It takes time, effort, and discipline.

9.      Always wear your wedding ring. A wedding ring is more than just jewelry. It’s a daily reminder of the covenant you made to your spouse. Does not wearing it mean you love your spouse any less? No, but it is a reminder that every choice you make will impact your spouse in some way. It’s a symbol the rest of the world that you are committed to one another. In some professions wearing your wedding ring could be hazardous, but there are other options such as Safety Rings (https://www.saferingz.com/) and other products. Certainly, people can cheat while wearing a wedding ring, but it’s another line of defense against the temptation.

I hope you can see how these ideas can benefit you and your marriage. These steps do not diminish your individuality or trustworthiness. They prove to add an additional buttress to the foundation of your marriage. Thank you for sharing your time with me and I hope you were blessed.

Your Influence

When talking about influence, let's consider Websters definition: "The capacity or power of persons or things to be a compelling force on or produce effects on the actions, behavior, opinions, etc., of others." The truth is we all are influenced by someone or something, and in the same regard we are influencers ourselves. In John Maxwell's book, The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership, he bemones, "Leadership is about influence, nothing more, nothing less." So, if leadership is influence, who wouldn't like to improve their ability to influence others? I believe, in order to be the best leader I can be, I need to increase my ability to influence others. There are some practical ways we can all improve our ability to influence others we interact with.

The first point to consider is to be willing to step into someone's life, regardless of position, and influence them where they are. Everyone wants to be an influence to those who are at the top of their game. Who wants to influence those who are struggling, and at the lowest point? Most people will simply pass on jumping into someone else's mess, someone else's pain. However, great influencers, great leaders, reach out to those that are down and help back up. When you invest in those who are struggling, your influence is multiplied and you will have a greater return on your investment.

Another key to improving your ability to influence others is being consistent. When you are consistent in your actions, your words, walk with integrity, you build trust with those you interact with. When others trust you, they may be empowered to make the difficult choices, do the difficult work, and move to a more positive position. We all enjoy dealing with others who say what they mean, mean what they say, and then follow through with what they said. In constructing walls out of brick, things are held together by the mortar. Consistency in your influence is like the "mortar" that holds the assorted pieces of the relationship together. If you have relationship A.D.D. and can't seem to stick it out your level of influence will be minimal.

The greatest influential relations are based on a transformational principle as opposed to a transactional one. If you're like me, you want the best for others. When you approach the opportunity to influence others with idea of what you can do for them, rather that what you can get from them, your influence has more weight. By using your influence to help someone grow and transform, instead of  your own personal gain, the influence is proven more valuable. If you can practice this principle you are coming at things from pure perspective. More often than than not you will be blessed in the process.

Feelings can change. For some people their feelings change with the wind and you never know how you will need to approach things. Where feelings are fickle, commitment is steadfast. Commitment is not supposed to change. Just like being consistent builds trust in the relationship, being committed lets the other person they can count on you. Your influence can only grow when others know you are there for them. If you are a person of faith, your commitment to others is actually a sign of love. Love  is the greatest influencer of all, and if you approach influencing opportunities from this position, success is almosted guaranteed.

Challenge of Faithfulness

When we talk about faithfulness we are saying, “Dependable in light of our current circumstances.” When you tell someone, “You can count on me,” that means, if you are faithful the person, they can count of you regardless of what comes about. I believe we all want to be faithful. As a husband or wife, we want to be faithful to our spouse. As a parent, we want to be faithful in providing for our children. The truth of the matter is, if we are going to be faithful it is usually going to cost us something. Provision requires work and effort; things come at a cost. The same is true for the Christian as we live out our life in a fallen world.

Christianity is the only world religion where salvation is a free gift. Ephesians 2:4-5, 8-9 says, “But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved) … For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.”  Every other world religion requires its followers to “do” something in order to receive salvation. Although the Christian does not “pay” for “do” anything to receive salvation, to live the life Jesus wants us to live does come at a price. The price is tribulation. The Bibles describes in several verses how the believer will face struggle and hatred solely for claiming the name of Jesus. The funny thing is we are supposed to pray for and bless those who persecute us. This is the type of follower Jesus is looking for and he describes this in our text: Revelation 2:8-11

 "And to the angel of the church in Smyrna write: The first and the last, who was dead, and has come to life, says this: 'I know your tribulation and your poverty (but you are rich), and the blasphemy by those who say they are Jews and are not, but are a synagogue of Satan. Do not fear what you are about to suffer. Behold, the devil is about to cast some of you into prison, so that you will be tested, and you will have tribulation for ten days. Be faithful until death, and I will give you the crown of life. 'He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. He who overcomes will not be hurt by the second death.’”

The Apostle John addresses the church of Smyrna by saying “God, meaning Jesus, has something to say to you.” The phrase “first and the last” found in verse 8, is seen multiple times in the book of Isaiah and describes God. Add this to, “was dead and has come to life,” depicts it’s Jesus doing the talking. In his deity, Jesus came to earth; and in his human flesh, was put to death. Yet, he displayed his power by rising from the grave and is alive today. Amen! The first thing Jesus says to the believers in Smyrna is “I know your tribulation and your poverty.” Jesus knows everything! If you feel you are going through a struggle, having a difficult time, rest assured, Jesus knows. Nothing takes him by surprise. As a matter of fact, Satan cannot do anything to harm you unless he first gets permission from God himself. So, why was the church in Smyrna facing tribulation and poverty?

Smyrna was located in present day Turkey so it was a seaport controlled by the Roman empire. There was vibrant trade and commerce in Smyrna and it was not difficult to earn a good wage and live a comfortable life. That is unless you were a Christian. The Roman empire was ruled by a Caesar. A Caesar is a title, much like a king, emperor, or president. The Roman practice was to worship Caesar like God. This was no problem for the people in Smyrna until they became a Christian. When you are a Christian you are to “‘YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOURMIND’” (Matthew 22:37, Mark 12:30, Luke 10:27). You see, the Smyrna believers could not worship Caesar as god because they worshiped Jesus. In light of their decision, the Roman government seized their property and made it difficult for them to earn a living. You might be facing some of similar struggles in your life as a Christian today. We know there are followers of Jesus Christ all around the world who face every struggle known to man just because of their faith. However, Jesus knows the struggle. He knows the pain. So, why does Jesus allow struggle and pain in our lives?

There are several reasons the Christian may face struggles in this life, and we see it in the Bible. One way God allows trials is to keep us humble. Look at the life of the Apostle Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:7-9. In this passages Paul describes “a thorn in his flesh” and how he asked God three times to remove it. God did not remove it, but he answered him back, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." In order to keep the greatest missionary to ever live and writer of 2/3 of the New Testament humble, God kept Paul under a constant trial. Yet, Paul remained faithful. Sometimes we must endure struggles because God wants us to be able to help others through our experience. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 explains how when we find comfort in our affliction, can comfort those who are experiencing the same thing. Sometimes people do not understand another person’s struggle and have a hard time ministering to them. But when you have “walked in another person’s shoes” you can understand what they are feeling and comfort them accordingly. Jesus’ brother, James, teaches us the various trials we face produces endurance and when endurance has its way we are made complete (James 1:2-3). So, sometimes God uses struggles in life to grow us. The trick is to find the purpose in the pain. I think we all will agree, when we face times of struggle we tend to get closer to Jesus. Philippians 3:10 teaches us we “may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings.” Suffering leads us to pray more, read scripture more, be more devoted to Jesus.

As if facing trials in life isn’t bad enough, sometimes you must deal with fake people in the church. Apparently, the church was full of people who weren’t what they said they were. Jesus calls them the “synagogue of Satan” in verse 9. Just because someone goes to church doesn’t mean they are a Christian. Just because someone prays or reads the Bible, does not make them a Christian. You can even believe in Jesus just like the demons do (James 2:9) and not be a Christian. Sadly, some estimates say 8 out of 10 people in the United States who claim to be a Christian have no clue what it takes and are living a lie. So, before we end this message, let’s be clear on what the Bible says it takes to be a Christian. First, you have to admit and confess with your mouth you are a sinner and are in need of a savior. The Bible says, “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). Then you must believe Jesus is the Son of God, born of a virgin, died on the cross for our sins, and rose again on the third day (1 Corinthians 15:3-4). Then you must choose Jesus and make him Lord of your life (Romans 10:13, John 3:18). If this describes you, Great!

It is good to have comfort in Jesus because there will come a day when things are going to worse than what they are right now. Jesus tells the believers in Smyrna, “Do not fear what you are about to suffer” (v. 10). Wait a minute, wasn’t the church in Smyrna already suffering? Yes, but it was about to get worse. History teaches the Christians in the Roman empire faced great persecution. Starting with Nero in 64 AD, the Roman government treated Christians harshly. This continued for many years in which the all the apostles, except for John, would be put to death. John was exiled to the island of Patmos and wrote the book of Revelation around 94 AD. Historians describe the persecution of the Christian church lasted till 313 AD, when Constantine became Emperor. We do not know what the Christians in Smyrna faced, but it must have been bad because Jesus challenged them to be faithful unto death. If they remained faithful they would receive “the crown of life” (v. 10). The crown of life is not salvation, but a reward for standing true. Think about the Olympic Games and how when someone finishes first they are given a gold medal. The crown of life is like that. The Bible teaches when the Christian goes to Heaven they will lay their crown down at the feet of Jesus (Revelation 4:10-11). However, only the faithful will receive a crown. What will you have to lay at the feet of Jesus?

Be a Peacemaker

I think it is a fair statement to say, “Everyone wants to get along.” Yet, it seems we find ourselves in conflict with others from time to time. So, what do we do to get back to the peace we all desire? Might I suggest, approaching conflict with a peacemaker’s mentality. You might not be a person of faith, but the Bible gives some pretty good instruction in this area. Romans 12:18 reads, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Now that’s a pretty large undertaking to live out; especially in dealing with people who are not as interested in being at peace.

One this for certain, if you are going to attempt at being a “peacemaker,” it will require intentionality and a few ideas along the way. It will also require understanding, empathy, courage, and a steadfastness to resolve the conflict at hand. The following ideas are by no means exhaustive, but can be a launch point for your efforts.

Usually conflict in relationships, either personal or professional, result from one or both parties feeling hurt in some way. If this the case, be the first to apologize. Swallow some pride and don’t wait on the other party to apologize. This will give opportunity for the other party to respond in like manner. Apologies do not come with explanations. Using “but” or “because” after an apology is not much of an apology and does not give you the right to lay out your case. A sincere apology is one where you own up, take responsibility for the words you said or action you have taken. In the same breath, only apologize if you have something to apologize for. Apologizing just for the sake of rendering peace does not promote resolution, but it could foster codependent lifestyles.

Sometimes promoting peace does not deal with conflict, but rather unresolved issues. This is where intentionality and courage come into play. If issues go unresolved for long periods of time, they will fester and eventually come to the surface larger than they were at conception. In any relationship, personal or professional, meet your issues with the other person head on and deal with them the best way possible. When you meet issues head on, it gives the parties involved to work together as a team to develop meaningful solutions to achieve the peace both desire. It also helps to be empathetic to the other persons situation and their past circumstances.

Regardless of the situation, communication plays a vital role in achieving peace. In times of stress and anger, words will be said but may not be heard or understood. For example, with elevated heart rates men develop substantial hearing loss. The male brain begins to secrete hormones associated with the natural fight of flight process, thus limiting their ability to hear. Self-preservation supersedes hearing. Studies have shown when you communicate by speaking the truth in love, the point is generally better received. Techniques such as bookending a complaint with two compliments can be beneficial. Research also shows for every harsh comment it will take five positive comments to regain sociable communication pattern. However, sometimes it may just be better to bite your tongue. If your desire is to keep and restore peace, it might be better to leave things unsaid. Think about three points when thinking about what to say: Is what I’m about say true? Is what I’m about to say serve a purpose? Does what I’m about to say encourage or edify the other person? Unless you can answer yes to all three, what you want to say may be better unsaid.

Finally, if you are at an impasse, and a peaceful resolution seems unattainable, look to an outside source for help. A trusted friend, a mutual and neutral party, a pastor, coach, or counselor may serve to be beneficial to helping you solve the issue at hand. With an extra set of eyes focusing on the points of conflict, chances are a team effort will establish strategies to achieve the desired peace both parties desire.

Empathy and Conflict Resolution

If you have been around the block a time or two, you’ve undoubtedly experienced conflict in your relationships. Whether it’s in a personal relationship with your significant other, or a professional one with a co-worker or boss, conflict will raise its ugly head from time to time. How do we successfully deal with conflict and move back to the harmony we all desire? One key aspect to handling conflict is to approach it in a spirit of empathy. By definition, empathy is the identification with and understanding of another’s situation, feelings, and motives. It doesn’t mean you agree their point of view; just that you are willing to walk in their shows for a moment in time. When you approach conflict with a spirit of empathy several things will occur that will empower you to move toward a resolution.

The first thing that occurs when practicing empathy is you see things from a different point of view. When you refuse to operate in defense mode, you objectively see things from the other person’s perspective. Again, you don’t necessarily have to agree with perspective, but with an objective and open mind, you can see other solutions to the conflict at hand.

The second thing that happens when operating with empathy is it allows you to understand the other person’s feelings. During conflict, emotions can run hot and it may be difficult to manage your own feelings. With an empathetic spirit, you are better able to keep your feelings in check, and in turn, identify and understand the other person’s feelings. The understanding of the other person’s feelings helps to create an emotionally safe environment and can help both of you see the big picture.

A third benefit in practicing empathy is helps you to understand the other person’s motivations. In the heat of conflict our ability to think clearly is diminished and we can make assumptions about the other person’s motivation. We mistakenly assume their motivation is self-serving and not in our best interest. Although you might disagree with the other person’s motivation, it does not mean they are trying to harm you. The empathetic spirit allows you to step outside your own assumptions and see the picture more clearly.

Still a fourth benefit to practicing empathy is it keeps the conflict at hand from creating irreversible damage. Without empathy, the smallest disagreement has the possibility to escalate into a full scale blow out. Full scale arguments can lead to hurtful words being said and regretful actions taken. By being intentionally empathetic, and objectively mindful of the other person, the anger levels will remain manageable. Empathy simply removes the fuel needed for the explosion to occur.

A final benefit to practicing empathy is becomes second nature to your personality. This practice will help reduce the number and frequency of conflicting events. While conflict in life, either in personal relationships or professional ones is inevitable, practicing empathy toward one another could help you to avoid unnecessary arguments in the future. When you do have conflicts or disagreements, you’ll be less likely to let them escalate into world war three.