When
I think about my marriage, and marriage in general, I firmly believe our spouses
must be our best friends in life. After all, this is the person you will do
life with. The romantic aspects of a marriage will be built upon a base of
friendship. Sadly, many marriages fall into this “auto-pilot,” stagnate status
because we quite putting for the effort to be friends. In a recent newsletter
from Marriage Today, Pastor Jimmy
Evans shares seven tips to consider when trying to foster a solid friendship
with your mate. I’ve taken some liberty to add a little here and there to what
Evans shared.
1.
Be
faithful. Being faithful in marriage is a no brainer. With a
lack of faith there can be trust, and without trust a friendship will not
thrive. The Bibles says in Proverbs 17:17, “a friend loves at all times, but a
brother is born for adversity.” In other words, the strongest friendships are
cemented during hard times. Deep friendships are forged during times of
adversity in a marriage. That’s when you pay the closest attention and learn to
trust. Living in the tension and not wavering develops the faithfulness needed
for true friendship.
2.
Believe
in each other. Simply speaking, you are supposed to be
your spouse’s biggest fan and cheerleader. One of the reasons God created
marriage is to help spouses bring each other to their full potential. He made
woman to complete the man and each of them have designed functions. For
instance, a husband provides a nurturing, protective environment for his wife.
Similarly, a wife establishes an atmosphere of praise and respect for her
husband. Men and women will flourish in these environments. Two people who
believe in each other will both become the best versions of themselves.
3.
Embrace
your differences. They say, “opposites attract” and
research proves this to be true. In a normal marriage, the husband and wife are
not carbon copies of each other. There are differences and these differences
are probably opposites in many ways. Will you rejoice in your differences or
criticize them? Will you try to change him or her to meet your needs? Instead
of forcing your spouse to become more like you, celebrate the ways the two of
you are compatible. Identify where one’s strengths match up to another’s
weaknesses, then thank God for those differences.
4.
Be
real and transparent. As mentioned previously, true friendship
is based on faith and trust. With this faith and trust, friendship means being able
to be honest and transparent without fear of retribution. Share your heart with
your spouse and talk about opinions, hopes and dreams. By doing this you allow
your spouse into your world and become an active member. Most importantly,
allow your spouse to be real and transparent, too. When your spouse is safe to share
their opinions, hopes and dreams with you, you are then able to operate in the
role of encourager.
5.
Be
a refuge. As described above, transparency is impossible if one
spouse feels unsafe opening up to the other. That transparency is fostered in
faith and trust, and when these ingredients are present a safe place is developed.
That’s why a husband and wife must be each other’s safe place. When anything
good or bad happens in their lives, they go to each other first. Crying to
mommy or daddy is not an option. This requires listening, openness, and a nonjudgmental
spirit.
6.
Be
fun and creative. Having fun together in marriage
dramatically improves a relationship. When you were perusing your spouse, there
was effort and energy exuded in order to win them. In fact, one of the danger
signs for divorce is when a husband and wife quit trying and no longer enjoy
each other’s company. When was the last time you laughed together? When was the
last time you pursued a hobby together? Plan dates and play games. Flirt, tease
and romance each other like when you were first dating. Work hard at having
fun.
7.
Bear
each other’s burdens. In Galatians 6:2 the Bible calls for
believers to “bear one another’s burdens.” This is a picture of bolstering
someone up under a heavy load. If “a brother is born for adversity,” then
friends step up when it’s time to serve one another, and help carry the load.
That might mean physically helping or it might mean supporting a spouse
emotionally. Get into the habit of checking in with your spouse and ask, “How
are you?” or “What do you need?” Never shrink or step back and watch your spouse
suffer without stepping in to help. You are friends, and that’s what friends
do.
When
a marriage struggles, it’s often because a husband and wife have lost focus.
They’ve poured their energy into work or into their kids and they’ve forgotten
that they are supposed to be best friends. Re-establish your friendship and a
more successful marriage will follow.
