I
believe everyone who enters the covenant of marriage has a sincere desire to be
successful. No one walks down the aisle, says, “I Do,” only to think about the
first visit to a divorce attorney. However, although divorce statistics seemed
to have leveled off at around 50%, divorce and broken homes continue to wreck the
fabric of society. Depending on what poll you look at, fidelity is one of the
top, if not the number one reason for divorce. People of faith, and the secular
population, all could use a little help in bolstering their marriage. One
aspect of strengthening your marriage is to be proactive in some habits that
will honor your spouse.
Since
strengthening marriage is a calling of mine, I follow several experts in the
field. One such expert is Dave Willis (http://sixseeds.patheos.com/davewillis/).
Dave and his wife, Ashley, have made it their point to help and strengthen
marriages around the world. In a recent blog, 9 Rules to Affair Proof Your Marriage, (http://sixseeds.patheos.com/davewillis/9-rules-affair-proof-marriage/)
Dave shared some practical ways he has attempted to affair proof his marriage.
It is my desire to share these ideas with you and how they apply to my
marriage. You may feel some of these ideas to be old-fashioned and out of date,
but I can assure you they have value and would prove beneficial if practiced.
So, here we go:
1. Don’t talk negatively about my wife to others or online. When people start venting about
their spouse, to friends or online, it’s not just a harmless way to blow off
steam and joke about frustrations. It’s a dangerous opening that could pave the
way for adultery. When you talk negatively about your spouse, or compare them
to others, it chips away at the foundation of respect that must remain strong
in every marriage. It also sends the subtle message that you’re not happy in
your marriage and you’re “open” to someone who would treat you better. Build
your spouse up with your words. The tone of your words about your spouse will
shape the tone of your marriage. Words give life.
2. Never meet with someone of the opposite sex alone. Recently, Vice President,
Mike Pence, was ridiculed by the main stream media for holding to this
practice. Although, I try not meet up for coffee or lunch with any woman other
than my wife unless it’s a group setting, I have not always been successful. There
are two things to consider here: Protection and Perspective. This
policy protects you from temptation, and honors your spouse. It also
eliminates the perspective of infidelity protects your reputation from false
accusations. Recently, we hired a young woman to clean our house and although I
was on site, I made it a point to create a safe distance.
3. Copy your spouse on all your text messages. Dave shared how their iPhones
are set up with the same Apple ID where he and Ashley both automatically
receive each other’s text messages. This keeps them in the loop of what’s
happening with each other. Deb and I do not do this, but we have access to each
other’s phone and text messages. This practice is designed to foster a desire
to have total transparency and open communication in the marriage. Being
willing to share all of my texts also sends the clear message to your
spouse and everyone else that we have a marriage with no secrets.
4. Share ALL your passwords. This flows naturally from #3
about sharing text messages. I don’t have a password or a PIN that Debbie
doesn’t know and she shares her’s with me. There are no hidden accounts, hidden
emails, burner cell phones or anything else that would be off limits to. Deb
and I try to maintain a “Secret Free Guarantee” marriage. Studies have shown secrets
are as dangerous as lies when addressing trust levels in marriage.
5. Stay away from pornography and sexually-explicit content. Brain scans have shown the
addictive nature of pornography. Pornography is an act of mental infidelity and Willis shares his personal
story and some compelling stats on pornography in his popular post on “The Truth about Porn”
which you can read by clicking here. I have never had an addiction to pornography,
but unfortunately my eyes have seen things they shouldn’t have. The images I
have witnessed in the past have scared my memory and my marriage has suffered
because of it. Infidelity always starts in the mind and pornography, along with
it’s cheap satisfaction, will only lead to marital dissatisfaction.
6. Be cautious with public displays of affection with others. This might seem cheesy, but it’s also very
important. One time while greeting a fellow church member, my wife was kissed
by the person right on the lips. I was not the least bit threatened, but made
it clear it was unappropriated, and Debbie understood my position. Some people
hug members of the opposite sex with full frontal assault that can border on an
act of illegal groping (no joke). I am a hugger, but never want physical touch
to be misconstrued in any way. So even with close female friends, I try to
stick with the side hug.
7. Don’t engage in ongoing dialogues
with the opposite sex on social media. Some people, by nature of
their profession, get hundreds of emails and Facebook messages per week. Do
your best to respond, but when it seems the person wants to engage in an ongoing
dialogue, cut it off out of respect for my wife. Statistics have shown how
affairs start by crossing lines on social media. Create a social media set of
“rules” and boundaries to protect each other and your marriage.
8. Make time for your spouse a priority. Affair-proofing
your marriage isn’t just about “defense,” but it’s also about being proactive
when it comes to investing in your marriage. As a merchant mariner, I am away
several weeks at a time and time together is a premium. I am always looking for
ways to spend time Deb and invest in our relationship. Don’t let your marriage
get stuck on autopilot, or else there’s a good chance it will crash someday! Investing
into your relationship with each other is the same as staying in top physical
shape. It takes time, effort, and discipline.
9. Always wear your wedding ring.
A wedding ring is more than just jewelry. It’s a daily reminder of the covenant
you made to your spouse. Does not wearing it mean you love your spouse any
less? No, but it is a reminder that every choice you make will impact your spouse
in some way. It’s a symbol the rest of the world that you are committed to one
another. In some professions wearing your wedding ring could be hazardous, but
there are other options such as Safety Rings (https://www.saferingz.com/) and other
products. Certainly, people can cheat while wearing a wedding ring, but it’s
another line of defense against the temptation.
I
hope you can see how these ideas can benefit you and your marriage. These steps
do not diminish your individuality or trustworthiness. They prove to add an
additional buttress to the foundation of your marriage. Thank you for sharing
your time with me and I hope you were blessed.
